"Denial, is a river in Egypt!"

To say that my life has been full of serious challenges and stress over the past few years would be an understatement.  Being that I am an emotional eater and have struggled with weight management my entire life, I have managed to pack on more than a few pounds over those years, and I was living in denial.  I found myself avoiding mirrors, wondering who that person was looking back at me from the reflections of myself I did see in tinted windows and doors and just kept on going along doing what I was doing, which was getting more and more unhealthy and uncomfortable in my body.  One day at work, my co-worker was telling me she was getting a tingling sensation in her arm and her fingers were going numb, and that she had had problems with an irregular heart rhythm in earlier years.  She wasn't going to go to the Dr. because it was "probably nothing".  What she didn't know at the time was that I had discovered a lump on my left breast and I hadn't been to the Dr. myself for the very same reason.  I told her, if she would go to her Dr. I would go to mine.  She took me up on it and made and appointment, so I had to do the same.

The day of the Dr's visit, I don't know if I was more nervous about what I might be told about the lump or stepping the scale that I had avoided for over a year and a half.  I didn't want to look as the numbers on the digital scale as they registered, but I did.  My heart sank as I read them and realized I was just 2 pounds away from a weight that I had promised myself I would never get to.  At that moment there was no denial, and a sudden realization that if I didn't start that day to do something about my weight, my health was going to decline even more.  The Dr. said she wasn't too concerned about the lump as it was possibly more of a cyst than a fibroid or a tumor. I left with an order for a mammogram and went home determined to make changes in my eating and exercise habits that day.  And, I did, I started on a simple diet, more watching calorie intake and increasing exercise and activity. I am a Weight Watcher's Veteran, 3 lifetime memberships, but the thought of going to a weekly meeting and clapping for others weight loss and being reminded of my own personal failings in keeping the weight off just seemed too much for me.  So, I am doing my own way with the help of family and friends and a web site that helps you log your calories, and exercise as well as adjusts your calorie intake and exercise with your weight loss.  I've been doing this for about 5 weeks and I've lost 13 pounds so far, which is slow and steady and manageable.  I get up earlier every morning and work out to exercise videos, as me and the gym have never been great companions, and my husband and I take our usual evening "therapy" walks as well.  I find I have more energy now and I really feel like I can do this.

I did go for the mammogram, those are never fun ventures.  They took me back had me change into a gown and wait patiently for my turn at the very awkward imaging process.  They took the images, then had me sit back in the waiting area.  I was called back in, for more images, but on the right breast not the left.  I have to admit I was a little more nervous at that moment, and when I was escorted to the ultrasound room, the jitters increased a bit more.  Thankfully with the detailed imaging they were able to determine that the lumps on either breast were cysts, and that they were not the type that were malignant, so I wouldn't have to go through a punch biopsy, but just needed to come back for imaging again in a year.  I was so relieved, and grateful that my delay in taking care of me, had not been something that had caused me harm, and I know I will be back to see the Dr. and to get the mammogram next year as ordered. 

Living in denial or avoidance or whatever label we put on it is never good, I am grateful to be able to face reality, even though it's sometimes painful and hard, it's much more productive than refusing to face it.  Each day I am getting stronger, physically, mentally and spiritually and every day I am grateful to face my reality and to learn and grow from it and find joy in it as well.  No more rivers in Egypt for me!